its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Flowers bee like
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”