I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.