I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
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When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
huge if true: the moon
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Sing it!
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.