My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.