I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.