You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.