Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
🍞🦆
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.