Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Not today.. 😂
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.