saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
who did the taste test?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.