I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!