“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Blew out my flip flop…
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.