H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear