Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.