“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
You Might Also Like
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour