Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman