Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
presenting your incognito window wrapped
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.