“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Am I having a stroke?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.