But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
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Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
hi why am I like this
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.