Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one