If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
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By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Put a ring on it
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
me and my fake scenarios
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!