Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Teach your children to beatbox
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?