My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.