You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
When life hands you women, make women laid.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.