Happy Thanksgiving
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
asked my bf how work was today
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
This was the best day of my life
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure