A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous