PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
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This can never not be funny 😭😭
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.