“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
You Might Also Like
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.