I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.