Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!