Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
ACED my prostate exam!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.