non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
just make the entire table out of coaster
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.