[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
oppen heimer style lol
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Lol #dogsoftwitter
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.