The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
How times have changed.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left