My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Good boy 😂😂
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds