It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
a fate I wish upon no one
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader