Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
We have a winner.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’