If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER