The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Lmao 🤣
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?