If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
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I can fix him.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount