I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
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If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
yeet
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out