me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
The future is now.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh