There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.