I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!