Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Oh, I鈥檒l take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you鈥檙e right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let鈥檚 see you try muting someone by a single click.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
馃憦GIVE 馃憦THE 馃憦OTHER 馃憦49 馃憦STATES 馃憦THEIR 馃憦OWN 馃憦CHAINSAW 馃憦MASSACRE 馃憦MOVIES
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan鈥檚 even lazier
cousin.
i hope i didn鈥檛 end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!