God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Love this guy
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}