Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My kitchen overserved me.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.