Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.