It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
You Might Also Like
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Liquor Store Parking
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.