[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Festive toon…
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
You had me at “define legal”.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.