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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.